L starts school for the first time next week. It's the end of an era. No more empty days of play and freedom. The grind starts here. He's very excited about it, largely because he hasn't yet twigged that it will mean getting up every weekday, at roughly the same time, to go and do … Continue reading On Velcro
[Walking on a rotten tree trunk in the forest] L: It looks a bit rotten. D: It is a bit. That's probably why they had to cut it down. It looks like it might have been diseased. L: Yes. I think probably a mouse bit it and it got diseased from the mouse's diseasy teeth. … Continue reading Illustrative ad verbatim #5
Sometimes you have to wonder how things escalate so quickly. Yesterday, L headbutted his younger brother J (2) on the trampoline. It was no accident. An objective observer could clearly distinguish malice aforethought. I was about halfway through yelling at L and sending him to his room (in fact, he was exactly halfway up the … Continue reading Trampoline nosebleed insanity
L: I've just been upstairs. A: OK. L: I saw Daddy. A: Right. Is he asleep? L: No, he's just lying there with his eyes half open like this [makes face]. He's trying to recover from his disease. A: He doesn't have a disease; he has allergies. L: [Still making face] Disease!
[In the car, driving along the motorway] L: What is inside that lorry? D: I don't know. L: [Mildly annoyed] Yes you do. Why has it got that sort of frozen sign on the side of it? D: Maybe it's carrying frozen goods. L: Like ice? D: Yep, it could be ice, more likely to … Continue reading Illustrative ad verbatim #3
I recently read Cormac McCarthy's Suttree, a charity shop find and a novel that I was not aware of before seeing it there on the shelf. I suppose it has been eclipsed rather by Blood Meridian, No Country for Old Men and The Road. To my mind it is a bit of a hidden gem, … Continue reading Take a good long drink
L watched a nature documentary the other day at his grandparents' house. In the footage a stingray attacked a predator with its tail in the way that stingrays have found it effective to do. The violence of the whiplash defence mechanism of the creature shocked him a bit at the time. He was visibly shaken … Continue reading Stingraaayyy, stingray! Do do doo do doo do
L: Have you ever seen a tree as big as a letter? D: I don't think so, no. L: Have you ever seen a house as big as a tree? D: Probably, I should think. L: Have you ever seen a person as big as a tree? D: Probably, if it was a small tree. … Continue reading Illustrative ad verbatim #2
L: Why do I have to drink soil milk? D: It's not soil milk. It's soy milk. The doctor thinks you might be allergic to milk. L: But I'm already allergic to sesame. D: You can be allergic to lots of things at once. L: Yes, but is soil milk hard? D: No, it's just … Continue reading Illustrative ad verbatim #1
On a recent family holiday in Spain, I experienced something I'm sure is familiar to almost all parents travelling with children. The perils of a holiday diet comprising mostly croissants and ice-cream took its toll on L's bowels. I sought solace at the local pharmacy. My sister and I memorised sections of the phrasebook so as to … Continue reading What’s the Spanish for ‘constipated’?